Since 1992, October 10th is celebrated as World Mental Health Day, an initiative of the World Federation for Mental Health, to dispel the ignorance and stigma around the issues of mental health. Their theme this year is “Mental health is a universal human right.”
In light of the recent suicides of our bright young students in Kota, The Checkup reached out to our leading experts and advocates of mental health, and asked them, ‘What advice, as a parent, would you give to your child (younger generation) about meeting up to the challenges of life?’
This is what they have to say-
“You are Incomparable”
My dear Child,
It gives me immense pleasure to write this letter to you on the occasion of the World Mental Health Day. You have always been on the top of my priority list, as you are aware. It is a sheer pleasure to see you grow up so beautifully. Every parent’s dream is to see their child successful and happy. But life is not a cakewalk and is full of challenges at different stages of life. When I look back at my childhood and adolescence, I realize that it was not as complex as that of your generation. Today’s life is complicated by several factors including increasing population with the concomitant rise in cut- throat competition, change in value systems and the ever- mounting influence of social media, to name a few. I am sure you are facing some moments in your life which you find challenging. Please allow me to express a few thoughts which emerge in this context.
You need to remember that there has not been any person exactly like the other in the entire history of humankind. And that’s good news. It means that you are incomparable. You are unique in this world, with all your strengths and weaknesses. You need to discover them as you move on with your life. I am sure you have already had some glimpses into them. You will keep discovering more and more as life unfolds itself. Our system of education teaches us to compare and compete with others. But please remember- life is all about cooperation rather than competition. A cobbler who mends shoes is as much required as a surgeon who sutures wounds. Nobody is superior or inferior. The system makes us believe that it is that way. Please do not underestimate others while you respect yourself and extend cooperation wherever possible. Your real competition is with yourself. So, surpass yourself and create new records.
You might have heard a lot of advice about being perfect. But nobody is perfect. Not even me. No parent is perfect. I have made many mistakes in my life. Each mistake was a lesson in itself, and, a lesson was repeated until learned. What I learned from my mistakes is not to repeat the same mistake. And I kept on making new mistakes, which continues even to this date! If you are scared of making a mistake you will never make an attempt. The real meaning of optimism is to take the total responsibility of accepting one’s mistake and correcting it. Please monitor yourself at different points and honestly review your progress. Success will come seeking you.
Celebrate small victories. Appreciate yourself every day for small things that you do, because nobody else will. Most important of all, remember that gratitude is the door to happiness. Functional MRI studies of the brain have proved it. So be grateful for everything that you have- materialistic things, your achievements, your victories. Slowly your happiness quotient will rise.
Start looking at adversities as opportunities to grow. Everyone has grown this way. (Remember the Covid times?) You will eventually realize that you need to feel grateful for adverse circumstances as well. There is no end to complaining about life and there is no end to feeling grateful towards life. The choice is yours. Life built on gratitude goes deeper.
There is no substitute to self- care. Look after your health well- physical, emotional, spiritual. Learn basic skills of relaxing the body and the mind. An enjoyable practice of meditation can take you a long way. Regular physical exercise is a must. Use food as nourishment and not as a stressbuster. Alcohol and drugs are no stressbusters, they eventually increase stress.
There will be difficult moments in spite of doing all the ‘right’ things. If you feel like taking a small break please do. If you feel like crying, please do not suppress tears. Crying is a helpful repair mechanism of the body. (You can also laugh at yourself for the situation you are in in spite of doing everything right! Laughing is another great repair mechanism.) If you feel like expressing yourself to someone, please do not hesitate. Please choose a person whom you trust the most. It may be your parent, a teacher or a friend. Seeking help from a mental health professional is an excellent idea if the situation is very difficult. Remember- Mental health professionals have an objective, non- judgmental viewpoint and will maintain confidentiality. So, for any disturbance which is intense, persistent and interfering, please seek professional help.
Here’s wishing you lots of happiness and success. Happy World Mental Health Day!
With love,
Father
Dr Manoj Bhatawadekar
He is a multitalented personality. He is a renowned Consultant Psychiatrist and practices in Mumbai. He leads several leading Mental Health organisations and Trusts. He was also the former President of the Bombay Psychiatric Society.
“You Are Loved”
When I had just begun my career as a psychologist 5 years ago, I’d started as a school counsellor. For 3 years, I’d watch students and parents walk into my office space often struggling to understand each other’s perceptive, sometimes finding it difficult to communicate and of course having completely different ideas on what each other should be doing. Post an emotional session, where both the child and parent would break down and thank me for facilitating an objective conversation, I couldn’t help but wonder how I’d respond if I were in either of their roles.
Cut to the present, as a 28-year-old who recently got married, I have slowly begun to think about what it would be like to have children and finally be able to execute the kind of parenting that I believe is a collection of my own principles, values and years of reading about the best practices. When I’d proudly tell my mother that I’d make the best parent, she’d often laugh and tell me that it’s not easy as I’d believe it to be.
And this reality is what I’ve began to accept slowly but surely. But not without a generous pinch of optimism that I’ve sprinkled all over this letter of advice that I’ve dreamed of reading out later but inculcating sooner in my child’s life:
Dear little one,
I hope this letter finds you on a day when things are challenging, when you feel like you’re stuck and have no place to break through. I hope this letter and everything that I’ve hoped to teach you all these years will give you warmth and the gentle push to help you move out of the situation you’re in.
There’s no such thing that you cannot talk to your parents about. From the everyday issues in school or with friends or even with us to the bigger, scarier challenges that you may view as obstacles; there’s nothing that you cannot ask for support for. A lot of times, when you talk about things that bother you, it doesn’t change the situation but help you gain a different perspective or solution thinking to it. Never ever hesitate to ask us for help!
Along those lines, it’s important to quit all the self-critical- talking when you make mistakes or things aren’t going according to plan. I know it’s hard but you need more of ‘Hey I made a mistake’ instead of ‘I am a mistake’.
‘Loving yourself’ is less of a feeling and more of an action. You can start doing it at any time and it will make your life better and better as you go on. Loving yourself on some days can look like getting complete rest and treating yourself and on other days it can look like setting boundaries with yourself, having a difficult but important conversation and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.
Chew your food slowly, keep your devices away and let your senses (yes all of them) feast on the food. I want you to really savour food and see it as fuel that your body needs to help it function in the most optimal way. There’s no such thing as – good or bad food- all food is good in moderation!
Whether you like it or not, your body needs routine servicing. You’ve seen your mother and father take time off their schedules to work on their physical body and mind- because it’s what will truly make or break the life you want to create. Taking care of it may not always feel ‘convenient’ but its needed. Find activities that are fun like playing sports, swimming or hula-hooping- your body and mind will thank you for it!
When you end your day, I’d want us to continue the practice of stating 3 things to be grateful for. Someday it may be more difficult than others to remember but if you are not able to see it, look harder or at the right things; there’s always something to be grateful for!
As you grow older, I hope you do realise that your parents are also flawed human with our own sets of aspirations, hobbies, and life experiences. We don’t have all the right answers and we may get a lot of things wrong. But we will try and always create a space where you we help you nurture, grow and develop into the best possible self you can be.
Lots of Love,
Your mother.
Ms. Suchetha NK is a trained psychologist with 5 years of experience and follows a client- centered eclectic approach. She is also the founder of a mental health initiative in Pune called COPE Culture where she uses creative tools like art, music, dance and movement to enhance psychological and mental well-being.
“YOU ARE ENOUGH!”
Parenting is tough, there is no doubt about it. Many parents are overwhelmed by the fear of making mistakes, worrying that their words or actions might affect their child’s life in profound ways (similar to how their own parents’ influence affected them). It is indeed true that our actions as parents leave a significant imprint on our children. However, there’s no need to be paralysed by fear. Shaping a person’s personality takes many years of childhood development, affording parents many opportunities to refine their approach. Also let’s understand that parenting is a skill that can be acquired, much like cooking or driving.
In this article, I will discuss three essential things we can teach children to help them develop a realistic way to see themselves. These teachings are grounded in the fundamental beliefs of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
Teaching 1:- “You are reasonably capable, the things you can’t do can be learnt with persistence and hard work”
When a child perceives failure in a situation as an indication of personal incompetence, it can lead to low confidence. This interpretation makes them hesitant to confront the inevitable challenges that life presents. This will lead to avoidance and hinder their capacity to fully engage in experiences that foster growth and development. In some cases, children may adopt a compensatory approach, believing that they are inherently less capable than their peers. This belief may drive them to exert additional effort in an attempt to bridge what they perceive as a gap in ability. They may believe that they must work exceptionally hard merely to achieve what others might consider a normal, everyday life. This may also lead to a lot of pressure and stress.
Parents can help children understand neither success or failure is everything or is permanent. Parents can emphasis that their child has the innate ability to acquire fresh skills and knowledge. It instils in them an eagerness to learn and evolve.
Teaching 2: – “Some people might like you and some might not like you, this is perfectly ok, you are Totally capable of being loved.”
If a child perceives that they are not wanted or loved by someone, they may internalize this feeling, believing that they are unlovable. This perception can lead to a deep-seated fear of abandonment in future relationships. For some, this fear can be so paralyzing that it hinders their ability to fully commit to a romantic partnership. They may come to rely on external attributes like appearance or material possessions in social interactions, convinced that without these they won’t be accepted. When parents consistently show unconditional love to their children, regardless of circumstances the children can develop a sense of security. This empowers them to navigate social situations and form relationships from a place of self-assuredness and confidence, knowing that they are inherently lovable and worthy of love, just as they are.
Teaching 3: – “Irrespective to what you do, you are worthy to exist in this world”.
At times, when sweeping judgments like “bad child,” “fat child,” or “ugly child” are passed, these labels can stick with children (even when made as a joke). They may come to see themselves as unworthy and flawed. This damaging conviction can manifest in self-destructive behaviours, such as acts of self-harm. For some, this belief system may extend to a belief that there is no possibility of redemption, leaving them feeling compelled to follow a dark or destructive path. Substance abuse can often find its roots in such bleak self-perceptions.
Parents can emphasise to these children that they possess a variety of qualities and abilities. Some of these attributes may be more developed than others, and some skills might be in the process of growth. Irrespective of these variations, every individual holds intrinsic worth in this world.
These statements should not be mere utterances; they must be expressed through both words and deeds. It is important that they are not sporadic, but rather, they should be consistently reinforced by both parents.
Instilling in an individual the belief in their inherent capability, capacity to love and be loved, as well as an intrinsic sense of worth, serves as a powerful foundation for resilience in the face of life’s challenges. These convictions infuse a person’s life with purpose and meaningful connections. As a result, they contribute significantly to the cultivation of optimal mental well-being.
I will end with 3 powerful words you can tell your children, maybe more importantly you can tell yourself, these words are: –
“YOU ARE ENOUGH!”
Dr. Adnan Kadiani
He has been fascinated with the workings of the human mind since a very young age. This led him to take up psychiatry as a specialty after completing his MBBS and he is currently Working as an Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at TNMC & Nair Ch. Hospital, Mumbai since the last 3.5 years.
Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful (Joshua J Marine)
It’s almost instinctive for parents to try to remove all hurdles from their child’s path, as they can’t stand to see their children left distraught after failing in any of life’s challenges. But have you ever wondered that this behaviour might be doing them more harm than good.
Parents need to work towards building a good relationship with their children. Listen to them – their success and their failures, allow important or difficult issues to be discussed without the fear of over-reaction, criticism or blame. You too can share your life stories, not just the glorious ones but also about your failures and challenges.
Parents who share a relationship of trust with their children are in the perfect position to be both a source of comfort and support as well a source of knowledge in teaching their children how to manage life’s stressors and get through challenges. The presence of a supportive parents helps children manage the stress that accompanies challenging situations and helps them learn specific methods or ways of dealing with the stress and provides opportunities for them to learn and grow.
As children step into adolescence, they begin to seek autonomy and freedom to make choices. This prepares them to take on more responsibility, problem solve and establish their own set of values. Encouraging healthy autonomy may mitigate psychological risks whereas using controlling or coercive measures to protect an adolescent from making risky decisions may lead an adolescent into further pursuit of independence. Parents need to strike a balance between support and independence, which becomes possible when there is a close, emotional relationship between the parent and the young child.
Some ways in which parents can help are:
Model the right behaviour: Model healthy and appropriate ways to manage stress, like taking a small break or going for a walk. It’s OK to share your stories of failures and how you coped with the challenges
Allow them to face stress in small doses: In an effort to protect your child, do not try to protect them from every stressful situation or else they miss out on opportunities to learn how to effectively deal with stressors in adult life. We can’t protect them from everything, but we can prepare them for anything.
Allow and encourage decision making: Allow your child to take small risks and help them figure out how to manage the consequences in case they fail. Teach them to take small decisions, after working out the pros and cons and also give your options. Allow them to choose from the options and take responsibility for their decisions.
Be your child’s stress buster: Children who have a warm and trusting relationship with their parents are better equipped to manage stressful situations.
Teach your child to manage stress: Equip your child with knowledge and skills to manage their stress and encourage them to utilize these skills. Also make sure you provide plenty of opportunities for children to work out their issues with some independence.
Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something (Morihei Ueshiba). When children fail at something, what they need is a parent’s unconditional love and support, a feeling that they are loved despite their mistakes and failures. This builds in them a strong sense of self-worth. The efforts put in by the child should be recognized rather than focus on the outcome.
Failure is often seen as something to be ashamed of. But failure is a natural and necessary part of life. Help your child learn to deal with challenges and failures by encouraging them to adopt a growth mindset and teach them to see failures as opportunities to learn, grow and do things differently next time. Begin small, when they lose a game, help children to manage their emotions. Remind them that doing their personal best is the real win.
The world is fast-paced, competitive, and stressful and, unfortunately, children often face anxiety and burnout, as they navigate the push and pull of competitive student and professional life. When your child is facing these challenges, the parental role is not in providing readymade solutions, but rather allowing the child to face the challenges, experience failures and bounce back more resilient and better equipped to take on future challenges as opportunities for growth. Encourage open communication, talk about your feelings and encourage them to do the same.
At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of the parents (Jane D. Hull)
Dr. Meena Lobo
She is a Homoeopath and Counsellor working at “You Matter Counselling and Training Centre in Mangalore.
